My Journey

My Journey, like many of yours, is a winding road. I spent years and years languishing, struggling, and denying. My problems and struggles were the result of everything and everyone else. Having a drinking problem was quite literally the last thing I considered as the issue. I tried various and sometimes ludicrous attempts at controlling my drinking. I saw a therapist, then I saw another when she dared hint at reevaluating my relationship with alcohol. I changed friends, jobs, locations, anything to keep my drinking going. Anything to keep myself in denial. There came a day, however, where it was no longer deniable. It suddenly became painfully clear to me that I was defeated. My life was completely unmanageable. Yet the thought of trying to stop drinking left me actually considering ending it all over parting with my beloved booze. I couldn’t imagine my life without it. Quite frankly, I didn’t want to. A dark night of the soul, for sure. Then, something happened, the fight in me was triggered- I thought, “F**K IT, I’m not going out like that”.

I had always thought of myself as a unique case. Once I was exposed to recovery literature and the recovery community, I was dumbstruck at just how typical my story was. Sure, the details varied, my background, childhood, or life circumstances may or may not be more difficult than some, easier than others. When this is all stripped away, we all share the basic common thread of addiction. The details don’t really matter.

Getting sober and rebuilding my life was the fiercest battle I have waged. I had little idea of what I was in for. I had spent most of my life in chaotic destruction mode, and clearing the wreckage of the past while rebuilding my life was beyond daunting. The clarity with which I saw myself and the world was both amazing and completely overwhelming. I felt both awe and anxiety faced with life not dulled by constant drinking. I remember going to the grocery for the first time as an adult not buzzed or drunk and feeling utterly bewildered…thinking “how do people do this sober??” This is one of countless experiences I had to teach myself, or re-learn in sobriety. I struggled with adapting to my new life in sobriety. I realized I was seriously lacking in many life-skills. Everything just seemed like a lot of effort. It was both exhilarating and exhausting. Day by day, step by step, I got my head together, got out of debt, went back to school, travelled…but something was missing. I was in a dead-end job, I had many toxic people and places in my life. I was unfulfilled, and I wasn’t really challenging myself after becoming stable in sobriety. I got comfortable and stayed there. I was stuck. I was surviving. I did all this hard work to rebuild my life and learn how to live as a sober woman, yet I was aware that some key elements of a full, balanced, and happy life were missing.

Then I woke up. I shook things up. I pushed myself way out of my comfort zone. I no longer wanted to simply survive, I wanted to thrive. I focused on growth, healing, learning, finding my purpose. I decided that I will not waste anymore of my one life stuck in survival mode, or fear, or uncertainty. I deserve more, and I am meant for more, and so are you. I want to be the guide, support, and safe space that I wish I had. I do not want you to spend your journey in sobriety being unhappy. Being sober is an absolute gift, and you deserve to be living your absolute best life.